Research Message!!!!

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Mexican Virus Warning

BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HABE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.

PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.

JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA ----MEXICAN HACKER ----

A good paying job in AMERICA

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) (filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....

"ASSICONS"

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by :-)  :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) A regular ass.

(__!__) A fat ass.

(!) A tight ass.

(_*_) A sore ass.

{_!_} A swishy ass.

(_o_) An ass that's been around.

(_ x _) Kiss my ass.

(_X_) Leave my ass alone.

(_zzz_) A tired ass.

(_E=mc2_) A smart ass.

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass.

(_?_) A dumb Ass.

(_%_) A lopsided ass.

(_~_) A distressed ass.

You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing their ass off (_ :-) _

Sex Facts.

1) Body: 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect (no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth). (incidentally the average vaginal capactity is only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong).

3) 80% of American men are circumsized. Even though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing can make your penis grow but time (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's).

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------------------------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say they have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.

+Both+
------------------------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
------------------------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour of it. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women who dont have sex.

4) Makes you look better - [ problem is, ugly people don`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in your body which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.

Did You Know?
------------------------------
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!

ITALIAN BOY AT CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino.
Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

Mind boggling questions.

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
 
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Women.

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage. 

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

"Be Very Quiet"

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should  we eat them here or take them with us?', Well, I guess I just panicked."

Why turds are.

Why turds are tapered.

So your ass hole don't slam shut.